I hope this is not a dupe. Spank me if it is.

I was inspired by this post to create a thread of comedian/humorist quotes.

I'll start:

"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down." ~Mitch Hedberg

"At noon I observed a bevy of nude native young ladies bathing in the sea,and went and sat down on their clothes to keep them from being stolen. " ~ Mark Twain, Roughing It

If you're from the UK, feel free to add a "u" to humorist.

Eddie Izzard

Tim Allen

Where to start with Steven Wright...

"Did you sleep good?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

A fool and his money are soon partying

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

"Your momma was so fat that she jumped up in the air... and got stuck"

Chris Rock

Does this count?

Maybe this is more accurate to the thread:

More Mark Twain:

*CSI: Las Vegas*

Warrick: Yeah, well, now she's VP at food services I get free steak and eggs every morning.
Nick: Free steak and eggs means she didn't know about the flight attendent.
Warrick (smiles): Does everyone know my business around here?

Sara: Hey Grissom....could you come tape me up?
(Without waiting for an answer, Sara ducks back into the room. Grissom turns to look at Catherine)
Grissom: I love my work.
Catherine: It shows.

Grissom: What did you find out about the psych exam on the little girl?
Sara: The shrink says the kid is in a catatonic state from a trauma. I
could've told you that. But she did respond to the name "Buffalo."
Grissom: Respond how?
Sara: She freaked out.
(Catherine stares at Sara and takes a deep breath)
Grissom: And...what are you doing about it now?
(Sara nods as she looks at Grissom)
Sara: Going back to the girl. (beat) I left her in the car.
(Grissom looks at her. Catherine can't believe what she's hearing)
Sara (deadpans): The windows are cracked.
(Grissom stares at Sara, absolutely no expression on his face. Sara breaks out
into a smile and stands up)
Sara: Give me a little credit. She's at the hospital.
(Warrick snickers at the fast one Sara just pulled on Grissom and Catherine.
Nick also smiles appreciatively. Grissom turns to look at Catherine. Catherine stares)


*Firefly*

Alliance Commander: "Seems odd you'd name your ship after a battle you were on the wrong side of."

Mal: "May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one."

> I hope this is not a dupe.

No, we have only
Funny celebbrity quotes
Your Favorite quotes
and
Dumbest Celebrity quotes
But this last one is in the News section. I think in the news there is somewhere a "60 dumbest celebrity quotes" too.

He wanted to be a lawyer, couldn't afford it, so he started dealing to go to college - good intention.

John Leguizamo

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity."

Albert Einstein- (bet you didn't know he was that funny)

The first time I saw his picture I started laughing

I went to my friends house to sleep over and he was like Mitch your gonna have to sleep on the floor and I said "Damnit gravity, you beat me again, You dont know how bad i wanted to sleep on the wall!"
Mitch Hedberg.

I don't get no respect!!!

A girl called me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

Are you kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. My mother breast-fed me through a straw.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy. He said, with a face like mine, I don't need one.

*If I have to tell you who told those jokes then I'm going to have to slap some one*

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”
-Bill Cosby
(right after his son was murdered)

“The road to success is always under construction”
-Lily Tomlin

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”
-Rodney Dangerfield

Last one I promise*

“I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they're the first to be rescued off sinking ships”
-Gilda Radner